Hey there! If we haven’t met yet, I’m Emma (they/them), and I’m a co-founder at Brood.

We are a modern family care agency supporting doulas and care workers to do what they love and families to thrive. I’m a full spectrum doula who supports families through the full reproductive health gamut — which means I care for families through loss, birth, postpartum, and into parenthood. I’ve given lots of advice over the years, whether directly and consciously or through example. Today I’m here to share a little bit more with you. This advice column will take questions from our community about family care — and answer with resources, ideas, joy, and all the juice. For us, there’s never no much information (NTMI!) If you have a question or a story to share, get in touch with us, we’d love to hear from you! 

I’ve spent my entire life trying to not get pregnant, and now I’m maybe, kind of, a little, interested in being pregnant. Or am I? What should I do? Where do I get started? And why does this feel so hard? 

Love, 

Undecided 

Hellllooo Undecided! 

Ah yes, that little mental tab you have open in your brain. You’re not quite sure when it first popped up. You feel it when you’re looking at photos of friends and new babies or seeing pregnant people walking down the street when you barely noticed before. Maybe you are feeling new feelings when your period arrives, or are in deep conversation with a partner, parents, or fielding questions from people at work. Perhaps you’ve never imagined your life with kids and are experiencing a worry of regret if you don’t. We call this phase Pregnant Curious. 

It could be months, years or longer, of being in conversation with yourself, your brain, body, and spirit about whether or not you want to head off on a path to parenthood that involves pregnancy, and what that might look like for you. Deciding to grow a family, or live a life enjoying kids in your community (but not in your home 24/7), is your decision to make.  No one (not even me, in our first column) can tell you what’s right. But we can dig deeper into how you are feeling, and what you might do next. 

Pregnant Curious is a time of taking stock of your life, celebrating the parts that are working and the parts that might not feel so good. This uncertainty is complex and so, so real. It’s a decision that could factor in complex societal norms, family pressure, and what your heart desires vs. what your life needs. Maybe you’re juggling a partner’s wishes or starting this journey solo. A concoction of questions might include elements about climate, finances, housing, work and identity, and your own childhood experiences.

It’s important to give this phase a name, to validate that some folks have conversations about whether pregnancy or parenting is right for them, and make all different kinds of decisions. Give yourself the space to live the questions, and space to learn about what’s next if you are actively interested in conception (or whatever route you’d take). 

Pregnant Curious is a phase of gathering data, gathering stories from friends you trust, listening to your body and intuition. We also love to tell people it’s okay to change your mind.

We also want to empower you with more information about the “how” of conception, which can be a factor in some Pregnant Curious folks’ anxiety.  

Let’s start with why it feels so hard. There have been entire systems gatekeeping all of this info from you — starting from from public school systems to shitty dating advice in your twenties through to medical misinformation in your thirties. So, it’s super normal to find folks in really complex situations where they don’t actually understand the nuts and bolts of how to make a baby, if they decide to do so. Throw in the logistics of a possible baby: parental leave (a privilege for some, but not all), childcare costs and availability, and an unknown amount of financial stress.  Now, add in all of life’s pressures and all of the barriers to getting this knowledge… and we have a complex matrix of excitement, overwhelm, and a real need for support along the way. 

Let’s all take a deep breath together. 

The kind of sucky news is that it’s actually quite hard to get pregnant—and that’s one of the biggest pieces of misinformation out there. Lots of people think it’s straightforward and simple to get pregnant. You just throw some eggs and sperm together and—whoopi—you have a baby! This is not most people’s experiences, and we want to normalize the fact that this is a pretty intricate experience and it’s normal for it to take some time. 

Now, let’s dig a little deeper. How are you planning on making a baby? Are you having to get some legal documents lined up and finding donors? Are you having to check in on your fertility and your reproductive health? Or are you able to have intercourse? Either way, it’s a good idea to check in with your reproductive health, see how your eggs are doing, see how sperm quality is, and get a little baseline of information. This will support you in knowing if you are either able to continue as planned, or if you’re working with a slightly different framework. If you’re navigating conception with more challenges, you might be seeking extra help from other wellness practitioners (naturopaths, your family doctor, acupuncturists) or even taking supplements for egg and sperm health. All of these paths have financial implications, especially without extended coverage. We’re talking $300 to $5,000 for supplements or wellness practitioner support, and $8,000 to $30,000 for egg freezing and IVF treatments. Some blood tests , such as the anti-müllerian hormone (AMH) test to check on egg reserve and health, and sperm analysis tests run between $100 – $150. 

Then, let’s look at the timing—you really have to time baby making, which is centered around ovulation. When ovulation occurs, people will release about zero to two or so eggs a month. This means that we’re timing everything around when that egg drops. There are some months where ovulation doesn’t occur and some months where more than one egg is released (which is when twins can arrive!). Now, how do you know you’re ovulating? Well, there’s a few indicators. Your cervical fluid will look (and feel) different, your cervix will physically shift, and your temperature will rise. These are all things you can understand more deeply through reading books such as Taking Charge of your Fertility, taking courses with Moss the Doula, and clinics like Yinstill.

Usually, a couple tweaks happen and people have a much more supported, educated, and concise path to parenthood, if they so wish. 

It’s very normal to have a lot of feelings about all of this, especially when you find out how complex it can be to actually get pregnant, and then the barriers that can come with that journey, and the privileges that other people may have.

Questioning and learning about conception and fertility is just the beginning of a large mountain that becomes parenthood, an experience marked by phases. And the best thing about phases, even one like being Pregnant Curious? It will end. Through elements in and out of your control, this is a chapter in your life—one of many. 

No matter the outcome, we see you, we hear you, and celebrate you for being in this wild, transformative space and wishing you a juicy time ahead!

Resources:

• Motherhood by Sheila Heti
• Embodiment practices by Brood full-spectrum doula Ashley Jardine
• Broken Record with Feist
• Shania’s Fertility Journey by Brood
• Ovry’s Ovulation Tests 
• Bird and Be Supplements
• Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler
• Queer and Trans fertility support by Moss and Josie Rodriguez-Bouchier