By Brittany Tiplady
@yellowbird888

Welcome to my inaugural celebrity gossip and news column! It is not an exaggeration when I say this is a lifelong dream of mine. You see, I love celebrity gossip. I love it so much. It’s my escapism, my personal, meditative ritual, my self-care, if you will.

When people read a story about Kylie Jenner’s most liked photo on Instagram being surpassed by an egg and loudly cry “WHO CARES?” — I care. I really do. And if you’re here and still reading this bizarre love-letter to the world of celebrity news, that means you probably do, too, which means we are now best friends. But, in an online, Instagram DM kinda way, because I suck at IRL friendships.

And so, without further ado, here’s what happened in the world of celebrity this month.

Jussie Smollett hospitalized in hate crime attack 

This vile and heartbreaking story is obviously not a fun one to start off with, but incredibly important to report nonetheless.To begin, it must be acknowledged that we will not be addressing this incident as a “possible” hate crime; the way in which this story has been watered down is atrocious. An openly gay black man was attacked and the attack was targeted and it was intentional and it was at the hands of white men in MAGA hats. Full details below:

The actor, musician and director, who plays musician Jamal Lyon on the Fox Network show Empire was assaulted by two men in Chicago on Tuesday, January 29 in the early morning hours.

CBC, among many other media outlets reported on January 30 that Smollett’s MAGA-hat wearing attackers “approached him shouting racist and homophobic slurs. The attackers then hit him in the face, threw an ‘unknown chemical substance’ on him and wrapped a rope around his neck.”

Smollett was hospitalized after the attack with multiple injuries, including a cracked rib, and has since been released. As of January 31, the Chicago PD released some images and video of Smollett walking across the street from the persons of interest, with the rope around his neck. This story is still developing.

Because “thoughts and prayers” are not actions, here’s how you can help: Donate to organizations supporting LGBTQI people of colour like the Audre Lorde Project.

Thank you to Rachel Ricketts for suggesting this organization and CTA on Instagram.

Andy Cohen’s Very extra Star-Studded Baby Shower(s)

Truthfully, I am not a Housewives/Bravo/Andy Cohen fanatic. But news is news, and the show must go on despite my inability to invest personal interest! Reporting on celebrity news is the real work after all and somebody has pull up their socks to do it.

Early 2019, the Watch What Happens Live host announced that he is expecting his first child via surrogate. Naturally, Cohen was celebrated with very fitting A Star is Born-themed baby shower, thrown by 30 OGs of The Real Housewives franchise. We’re talking Lisa Rinna (who also served as the fête’s potty-mouth emcee), Kyle Richards, NeNe Leaks, Teresa Giudice, you get the picture. Noticeably missing from the soiree: Lisa Vanderpump, Bethenny Frankel, The Countess-Five-Finger-Discount- Luann de Lesseps, Kelly Dodd, Kandi Burruss (she’s on…house arrest), Melissa Gorga, and a few other women I don’t know! E! News reported on the drama and details here.

My favourite golden nugget from this event however, is that BFF to Andy Cohen, John Mayer, was also in attendance. Do you think John is taking to the Housewives to get his bang on? Discuss!

Cohen’s east coast baby shower was a more subtle affair, thrown by Kelly Ripa, Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker, Bruce Bozzi, and some lady named Jackie Greenberg.

“I had a heart-boner for days after this crew threw me an equally epic affair on the East Coast,” Andy wrote on Instagram yesterday morning. “I feel loved & it’s all going to the baby.”

Ariana Grande accused of plagiarism and cultural appropriation, again!

What’s the opposite of Big Dick Energy? Shrinkage Energy? Whatever it is, that’s the vibe around Ariana right now because she fucked up big this month.

The God Is A Woman singer released her new single 7 Rings on January 18, and was promptly hit with some heavy accusations of plagiarism by American-Puerto Rican rapper Princess Nokia.

As reported by Pitchfork on January 18, “on Twitter, Nokia posted a video of herself listening to ‘7 rings’ and then her own song ‘Mine,’ from her mixtape 1992. She then says, ‘Does that sound familiar to you? ’Cause that sound really familiar to me,’ continuing, ‘Ain’t that the lil song I made about brown women and their hair? Hmmm… sounds about white.’ Princess Nokia also retweeted a tweet that suggested “[Ariana Grande]’s new album literally plagiarizes flows, words, bars from Nokia.” Soulja Boy also piped in with a similar accusation, but…I’m really having a hard time nailing down the details on that one.

Grande has yet to comment, but even if she did, would we be able to understand her cryptic tweets and Instagram stories in response? The answer is no.

But thats not all! Because January has totally been her month, the Mumble Queen thought it was time to make her tendencies to culturally appropriate a permanent fixture! Cosmo reported that on “Tuesday night, Ariana got a tattoo that allegedly said ‘7 Rings’ in Japanese, but the lovely people of Twitter who actually speak and read Japanese were like “LOL, that fully says bbq grill.”

After the internet attacked, Grande posted a story with her “revised” palm tattoo.

According to Twitter users and fluent Japanese readers everywhere, her tattoo now reads “Japanese BBQ Finger.” Thank u, next.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth get married in secret ceremony

I am very pleased about this!!!!!!! Sure, Nothing Breaks Like A Heart, but in the Cyrus-Hemsworth household, hearts are happy and full and everything is right in the world. On December 23, Cyrus and Hemsworth celebrated their nuptials in a with a small intimate ceremony of close family and friends. The couple met on the set of The Last Song in 2009, and have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for the past ten years.

If you are dying to get clear on the details of their decade-long romance, Cosmo put together a timeline of their courtship here. This union is Brit Tiplady approved! Congratulations to the very attractive couple.

Kimye Expecting Their Fourth Child via Surrogate

For the Kardashian-haters of the world, I’ll keep this one short. Feel free to scroll down to the next story, this one is self-explanatory.

Kim and Kanye will be expecting their fourth kid once again via surrogate (Kardashian-West baby number three, Chicago, was born via surrogate early 2018), after much speculation at the rumour mill.

According to US weekly, sources say that KimYe will welcome a boy in early May. My only question is: How does Lovey keep track of all her grandchildren? She said it first: the Kardashian-Jenner procreation frenzy is like a faucet that they just can’t turn off.

#MuteRKelly: The Surviving R. Kelly six-part docu-series stirs up conversation

This is a hard one to report on because there has been so much. So here are the CliffsNotes according to my research:

• Lifetime airs the first episode of their six-part docs-series Surviving R. Kelly, featuring “R. Kelly’s family members, former friends and colleagues, but most notably, women who claim that for decades the hit-making singer and producer used his power and influence to sexually and physically abuse women and young girls,” according to People Magazine.
• The docu-series makes it known that it was public industry knowledge that R. Kelly is a pervert, assaulter, serial child rapist, and all-around disgusting trash human and no one really did anything about it. Hollywood!
• Twitter spirals into a divide between R. Kelly Muters, and R. Kelly supporters (fools)
• EGOT winner and Chrissy Teigen’s husband John Legend appears in the doc and subsequently tweets “To everyone telling me how courageous I am for appearing in the doc, it didn’t feel risky at all,” [writes] Legend, 40. “I believe these women and don’t give a f— about protecting a serial child rapist. Easy decision.”
• Artists who have supported and collaborated with R. Kelly in the past are called-out online, including Lady Gaga who featured R. Kelly on her (very terrible) 2013 track Do What U Want (what you want with my boddaaaayy).
• Gaga takes to Twitter to post an apology.
• R. Kelly makes an appearance at a Chicago nightclub and performed in a fur coat for a packed crowd of misogynists.
• Vox further reports on the Surviving R. Kelly reaction here.

Addendum: I have not seen Surviving R. Kelly, but The Remix To Ignition is no longer allowed in my world and it shouldn’t be allowed in yours either! #MuteRKelly

The Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos Billion Dollar Divorce

On Wednesday, January 9 the Bezos clan publicly announced their plans to divorce after 25 years of marriage. According to E! News, their joint statement read: “We want to make people aware of a development in our lives. As our family and close friends know, after a long period of loving exploration and trial separation, we have decided to divorce and continue our shared lives as friends.”

Shortly after the divorce statement was made public, leaked texts between Bezos and his alleged mistress and Good Day L.A. host Lauren Sanchez were leaked. And truthfully, the only thing that those texts really reveal is that Jeff Bezos, the richest man in the world, has zero game.

Chris Pratt Proposes to Katherine Schwarzenegger after five minutes of dating

Congratulations, I guess? Personally, I’m more of a Parks and Rec-Dad-bod Chris Pratt-fan, and not so much of a blockbuster-movies-and-abs Chris Pratt fan, but that’s just me!

Anyway, Pratt took to Instagram on January 13 to confirm their engagement with a low-quality image.

The internet lost their shit when Pratt’s ex-wife Anna Faris threw shade congratulated the happy couple with a cheerful Instagram comment, because she must have lost his number.

What do you think is Arnold’s vibe about all of this? Discuss!

That’s all we have time for this month. Thanks for tuning in! See you in February with more tea to spill.

Brittany Tiplady is a writer, editor, former ballet teacher, and the co-founder of Loose Lips Magazine. She loves the indoors, fast wifi, collecting maps, and a generous glass of red wine. She’s a self-proclaimed wizard of time management and a notorious loud talker with a penchant for all things Internet and pop culture.