By Jess Procter
@north_west_jess
They say it takes a village to raise a child because, well, it does. But what does life look like when mothers are unable to access the emotional and physical support that their village provides? Mother’s Day 2020 is going to look a lot different than it has in previous years. Families are being adversely affected by our current global situation and the precautions we’re all taking as a result.
No one loves a forced quarantine but those of us who have children at home are experiencing things especially differently these days. I checked in with the moms who are my friends, family, and neighbours to compile this snapshot of what motherhood looks like right now for many of us.
Moms: They’re Just Like Us…
There are SO many ways that all of us, not just parents, are struggling and adapting through these strange times. We are having to navigate big emotions and are trying to make space to allow ourselves to feel these without guilt.
At the moment, most of us are unable to access many of the things we need to take the best care of ourselves and keep our bodies and minds as healthy as possible, things like physio and chiro but also more basic self-care like in-person time with friends and family. Like everyone else, some moms are trying to figure out how to work from home when we’ve never had to before. Some of us are short on space or are dealing with unhealthy home situations. Some of us are unemployed or newly separated or grieving or dealing with health issues or celebrating a promotion or wondering about a new relationship or in the middle of a move or trying to get pregnant or terminating a pregnancy or receiving a hard diagnosis or renovating a house or worrying about ailing parents or any number of other scenarios. As we’ve all discovered, there are certain aspects of life that don’t stop happening during a global crisis.
Like everyone else, parents are just navigating these unprecedented situations the best we can.
…But With Some Extra Shit on Their Plate.
Mothers during this pandemic are having to handle our personal responsibilities alongside our, ahem, additional responsibilities. You see, we are adjusting to those messy new work-from-home situations same as everyone else but with the added noise and schedules of the children that are not just in the next room but often in our laps. Trying to work a full eight hours becomes a lot more disjointed when you have to schedule meetings around snacks and mealtimes, nap time and bedtimes, potty emergencies, preschool Zoom meetings and high school homeschooling all while making sure everyone doesn’t enjoy too much screen time. Phew!
Mothers would love to prioritize the self-care that many are suggesting we take right now but we often struggle to prioritize even a basic good night’s sleep. Once the meals have been planned and the snacks have been made, the dishes have been done and the toys have been picked up, the kids have been tucked into beds (and read to and re-tucked again) there isn’t time or energy left to do much besides walk around the block for some fresh air – and even this is out of the question for the single parents among us. It’s clear that this whole thing is a balancing act for us. Grace and gratitude. Self-care and survival. Motherhood has always been that way.
But besides the day-to-day logistics of pandemic parenthood, the biggest concern I’ve been hearing is about the unknown emotional fallout our children could experience in the wake of this ongoing crisis. If you are not currently in a caretaker role, you may feel the weight of this crisis on your shoulders and have a heavy heart filled with anxiety and despair, but you still have the luxury of only being responsible for managing your own mental health. Many mothers I’ve spoken to are feeling the pressure of having to step into something akin to a therapist’s role on top of everything else as toddlers and teens alike are tuning into and trying to make sense of this strange time just like adults are. Like us, they may be confused by the sadness and strange grief they feel at missing out on experiences or being unable to see family and friends, or the inexplicable rage that bubbles up some days without reason.
The necessity of being able to “check out” for a day, to unplug our phones and order pizza and turn our poor, news-sodden brains off and escape reality, is not an option for parents and it’s a form of self-care and self preservation that our society has lately come to recognize as necessary. Not only are parents unable to do this, those of us with younger children are finding ourselves having to “fake it ‘til we make it” through each day, fighting to stay above our anxiety so that our kiddos won’t pick up on our vibes. There’s no room to wallow for a day, have a hangover, watch Netflix in bed, or simply take a day to just process the weight of what’s happening in the world. Every morning we must get up and continue as normal. This has provided a lifeline of routine for some of us and a heavy burden for others.
Pandemic Pregnancies and Privilege
Experiencing a pregnancy through all this feels familiar but also startlingly different. I have the confidence of having done it twice before, but it’s still brand new considering I haven’t been through a pregnancy quite like this. I know the protocol for an ultrasound, but partners are no longer permitted to attend. Midwife appointments have been pared down to a bare minimum or are done over the phone, blood work is taken by clinicians in full PPE, many countries are not allowing support persons in the room during labour (or even partners, in harder hit areas) and babies are being brought into the world to mothers who have spent long hours breathing through their contractions through a soaking wet mask.
Pregnancy and postpartum are meant to be a time of togetherness and celebration not government-mandated isolation. We rely heavily on our family and friends to help care for us and our newborn in the weeks after we give birth and I know a lot of women are struggling with the lack of childcare for their oldest children while they attempt to care solo for a new baby and still keep family finances afloat. My heart aches for first time mothers, especially those who long to share their pregnancy and postpartum experiences with their loved ones but are unable to. but truly, those of us who are safe at this time are enjoying immense privilege that should not be disregarded.
They tell us we are supposed to “put on our own mask first” in an emergency but if there isn’t enough time a mother will always choose to put the mask on her children before she saves herself. We’re happy to do it, we’ve always done it. We do it when we bring them into this world and we continue to do it for years afterward. It’s not particularly sustainable in the long run but that readiness to sacrifice often feels like a defining characteristic of motherhood.
Let’s remember that the physical and emotional toll this Mother’s Day carries can be heavy. So partners and grown-up kids, if you’re reading: plants, wine, and generous donations to her favourite causes will be especially welcomed this year.
Jess Procter is a city girl turned rural garden mama She is attempting to cultivate both plants and babies while DIY-ing a hopeless fixer-upper on the Sunshine Coast and aims to portray an un-curated view of motherhood through her writing and social media.
