By Tayvie Van Eeuwen
@tayvieeee
In January, I decided it was time to leave the comforts of home and experience international travel by myself. For the latter part of my high school career, I had wanted to leave Vancouver for a British university, but circumstances beyond my control kept me here. While I couldn’t study abroad like I’d originally planned, I approached a family friend living in England with the far-off idea of travelling Europe together.
When I first considered going away, I immediately back-peddled. I’d hover over the “confirm transaction” button on Flight Network and slam my laptop shut. Then, I’d begin the busy work. How could I distract myself with life to pretend that the universe wasn’t guiding me?
For weeks this continued, I worried that if I had a bad day with anxiety or depression I’d be a failure to my friend I was going to visit. But with the encouragement of my boyfriend, my finger finally clicked confirm.
In the months leading up to my trip, I would video chat with my friend in England. Her sweet voice would calm me, but when the call would end I’d doubt I could leave home. After, during my post-video chat anxiety spirals, I would furiously research my travel insurance, double checking that I had the coverage to cancel.
On June 14th, I walked through the international departure doors at YVR, and said goodbye to my mom and best friend. In spite of my fear, I felt empowered for following through on this journey. Everything I wanted, including a hug from my friend I had not seen in ten years, was on the other side of my fear.
I wish that after this trip I had a list of “Top Ten Tips for Travelling with Anxiety and Depression,” but it’s impossible to pigeonhole mental illness into a one-size fits all package. Despite your Google search results, it’s something that cannot be boiled down to just tips and tricks. What I do know however, is that my journey with anxiety and depression while travelling was messy, uncomfortable, and scary, but it was also the most life-altering experience I’ve had in all my 18 years.
Before I left, I thought I’d have to hide my struggles to have the “amazing” travel you see on an Instagram highlight reel. Instead, I had to delve even deeper into what was hurting, so that I could better conquer my anxiety. During intense episodes, I can be worried about: a change of tone meaning a change of heart, that my needs can be a burden, and that my desire for rest and stillness will seem invalid. Yes, anxiety is super annoying to witness, but imagine having it. For those who don’t deal with mental illness, it can be easy to misunderstand the symptoms and signs of a panic attack.
During nights kept up with jetlag, I would yearn to have my mother near me and melt into her maternal comfort. Not because I wasn’t happy on vacation, but because my anxiety would spiral in every which way.
This all came to a head one night in Glasgow, Scotland, when I was at the peak of sickness. In a turn of events that could only be described as incredibly on-brand, I contracted a virus which left me with no energy to even watch TV. As I stared at the ceiling and prayed my boyfriend would wake up to talk, I swore that if I didn’t scratch all the preconceived notions I had around anxiety and depression, I would not be able to know myself thoroughly. To be able to get through this I asked myself, “If I believe another person’s life has deep meaning and value, why don’t I believe the same about myself?”
To be able to better enjoy the sights around me I started to confide in my international friend. What I didn’t know was that she would offer me insights into her own world that would change mine and create a safe space for my emotional baggage. I started to see the good in myself, but not in how my existence or personality served others. I found pride in the unbelievably mundane moments. In the way I communicated what I needed while I was sick. How my hair curled in the rain. The money I’d saved to come this far.
When anxiety and depression makes me feel small, I get trapped in the idea that I need to do big things to make up for it. I need to solve the climate crisis. I have to be financially secure at 18. I must plan grand gestures to make up for the time others put into me.
The debilitating idea that I have to do it all to be worthy is the very thing that closes me in. Yet, on this trip, I gave myself permission to act and be “normal.” I mess up; I’m a shitty human-being sometimes. I hurt people, just like they hurt me. But, I’m also a badass who would do anything for a donut. It’s all in the balance.
I worked for months to save up for this trip, to be here and be present. With this change of heart, the distance from my everyday life and routine made me witness the beauty in the human experience. Watching a powerful woman walk down the street excited me. Admiring an elderly couple transit together was a potent punch of love. Both things that are so normal, yet incredibly transformative with perspective and in a new place.
Life is consuming. It’s overwhelming. And, we get lost in the chaos. In my experience, every aspect had become so muddled with anxiety and depression, I was out of focus with who I was.
But I had to become uncomfortable, otherwise I never would’ve moved. And, I’m so glad I did.
A self-declared witch, Tayvie spends her time with all things magic. She loves a good sunset, iced coffee, and every known essential oil. Catch her chilling with her black-cat sidekick, Shadow, and hiding by the ocean. Look for her bold eyebrows and vintage style, and you’re bound to find her.
