By Kate Belton
@k8beee

Please note: Kate’s drunk advice does not reflect the views of those at Loose Lips Magazine. Reader Discretion is advised.

Dear Kate,
Normally I don’t like to ask for advice. But I’ve been dealing with what seems to become more and more of an isolating situation that nobody around me can really relate to.

Over a year ago my then-boyfriend and I had called it quits, due to really unique circumstances that involved a mix of his work and my personal space not having the room to breathe. I don’t think we were ready to move in together.

At the time of break up, I think we were both sad, but then he got really distant and cold despite us sleeping together for a year after that. It was really unhealthy.

Currently, I am feeling better about things, but I can’t help but feel he just wants me out of his life for good. We have the same circle of friends, (funny how that the true colours of the friend circle we built ourselves was apparent after the break up) and I constantly run into him. I had to delete him off social because I wanted to be back with him, and it broke my heart to see him everywhere. Yet he creeps my Instagram all the time, and doesn’t say a word to me.

My close friends say I should make more of an effort to be invisible, but that’s something I’m not programmed to do. I don’t care if he’s in the same room as me, I still have so much love for him but it’s just not being reciprocated. Ugh. Any pointers?

Love,

In Love Limbo

Dear In- Love Limbo,
WOW, I haven’t read something that in-depth and tragic since I read the dietary restrictions required if you want to go Paleo.

First, AS IF your friends say you need to “make more of an effort to be invisible!” This is 2017, the year of the QWEEN. Maybe HE should be more invisible/ totally invisible/ you need to get over him. Don’t listen to them, listen to me.

I don’t know if this guy is a rich, super-babe who knows how to make homemade donuts or like smells good and has a cute dog, but after reading this, my immediate response was:  “WOW, he’s over it and you’re a sweet gem who needs to find a man who appreciates you for the special angel you are, here’s an iTunes gift- card PLZ download Lemonade.”

I would like to apologize in advance because I’m about to lay some realness on you:

Moving in together after 3 months of dating in Vancouver because-“you-spend -more-time-at -his-place-than-your-own so-what’s-the-point-in-paying-rent for-two-places-we-basically-love-each-other-plus-I-found-this-cute-studio-in-East-Van(Burnaby)- I -know- he- works -from -home -and- our- bedroom- is- also -his -office -and -also -the- kitchen-but love conquers all-we’re-close-to-the-Skytrain—YOLO”  IS NOT a “really unique circumstance” and probably every girl over 25 living in Van with a tight budget can relate to the “too soon” move in followed by “Whoops, we’ve made a huge mistake” circumstance. UNLESS he has a golden retriever and a six fig salary no guy is worth the risk of the “too soon move in” THIS IS V IMPORTANT HE MUST AT LEAST HAVE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

I grew up on a farm, so I’m going to explain this to you the only way I know how to… with a cat reference.

What you did here was you moved in with a barn cat.

Let me explain: Barn cats are born 2 be wild. They like to be outside, and do not need to be cuddled or fed treats the way indoor cats do. They run away when you get too close. They are independent and will bite you. Sometimes, particularly during the cold/wet months, they like to come inside where it’s warm. They like to be fed, and might even let you pick them up and cuddle them. BUT when the weather’s nice again, they’re gone back out to the barn. They won’t let you pick them up, let alone even get near them anymore, even though sometimes you’ll catch them quietly following you down the driveway.

The only advice I can give to you is you gotta get yourself a new cat. An indoor cat, who likes to be cuddled. Maybe adopt. You need to find someone who is like “Literally omg, I can not believe how lucky I am to have met this actual heavenly being, she completes me and I love to cuddle her regardless of what the weather’s doing.”

And once you’ve found that special someone, don’t move in with them after five minutes. There is much to be said about the mysteries of “does she even poop ever?” and “how does he get his hair to be like that?”

I would say it’s time to branch out and to find some new activities that lead you to potential new friends and make your friend circles more distant from his. There is a quote that due to years of wine-related brain damage (self-diagnosed) I can’t remember who said it or what it actually was but it’s something like, “Don’t drink from a poisonous well because you’re too afraid to walk to the next one.” Stop lingering around the poison well, girl. It’s time to go to the next one. And if the old barn cat follows you, don’t worry, and don’t be fooled. He’ll turn around and go back to the barn.

Dear Kate,
My question is quick and dirty: what’s your advice for receiving unsolicited advice? Any tips on how to handle this with grace? Mansplaining seems to be the 2017 trend.

Love,

I didn’t ask for this, but thanks.

Dear IDAFTBT,
I get unsolicited advice all the time. Usually it’s from my best friend/roommate and it’s: “Bronze eyeshadow died with the ’90s” or, “Your homemade deodorant was not a success, you don’t know how to make it, you smell like an onion farm.”

I take heed of this advice because I respect my best friend/roommate as a person. If you do not respect the person who is giving you the advice, then no matter what the advice is, you need to not GAF about what they’re saying and live your truth.

So next time you’re being mansplained to, ask yourself, “Do I respect this person?” If the answer is yes, just grin and bare it, it’ll be over soon.

If If the answer is no, then do whatever feels right to you to remove yourself from the conversation. My personal go-to in this situation is to pretend I’m in a drive-thru and to just start ordering a Venti Macchiato, no foam, no whip, extra hot and maybe an oat-fudge bar what the heck loudly into their face. The response is typically confusion, and they tend to leave me alone after that.

Good luck!

Dear Kate,
I’m having trouble maintaining my raging anxiety. One minute I’m a powerful creative and entrepreneur, the next, I’m a sobbing mess clutching to a $10 bottle of cab sav, and wiping my tears on my poor partner’s shirt. Speaking of him, he’s going through a lot right now, and needs all the strength and support he can get. But in the midst of doing that, I seem to always break down and our pain and stress suddenly becomes all about me. Do you have any tips on managing stress-related meltdowns?

Love,

Not blessed, and very stressed.

Dear Not Blessed V Stressed,
I’m going to need you to take a couple of deep cleansing breaths, because you’re literally freaking out right now and it’s freaking me out.

You can’t be submitting a question to a feminist online magazine column, live in Canada, have a partner to “wipe your tears” on and be able to afford a $10 cab sauv without recognizing that you’re at least a little bit blessed. I don’t even know you, but I do know that you are most certainly blessed, and thus you need to be a little less stressed.

I know that when you get too caught up in the moment, life can be monumentally stressful to think about. Work, social media, family obligations, “is this bronze eyeshadow chic, or did it die with the ’90s?”

Stress and meltdowns go hand in hand and are COMPLETELY NORMAL, so know that and don’t beat yourself up about being on edge.

What is important to remember is that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. Don’t forget to look at the big picture. So many lives have been lived before yours, and so many will be after. What is important is to live each day to its fullest and to remember that you are a special individual snowflake who is doing her best.

Maybe you owe a bunch of $$ on your taxes, or you are lactose intolerant and haven’t told your new bf who loves cheese, or you aren’t sure if you’re into men or women… no matter WHAT the struggle is… know that it’s human, that you’re human and that in time, whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see, as they say.

When dealing with a stress related meltdown I would suggest this:

• Go outside and get some fresh air
• Think about the things you’re grateful for in your life (your naturally straight/curly hair, golden retrievers, fudge.. to name a few)
• Take deep breaths and with each exhale, let go of what you can not control (you will be like OMG there are so many things I am currently worried about that I can not control LOL time to let go Qween)
• Keep going. keep.going. Recognize how random this crazy universe is, and how lucky you are to be who you are and where you are, and just.keep.going. You can do it.

K, that’s the end and it’s time for bed but don’t forget- DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY!!  When the going gets tough, think about how FUCKING crazy it is that you’re even alive where you are right now. Like what even are people and why do we have hands but horses have hooves? WHAT EVEN IS LIFE??? You GOT THIS GIRL. you and your hands not hooves have GOT this. There are bigger fish to fry and WHAT EVEN ARE FISH??

 

 

Kate Belton is a stand up comedian who is currently attempting to navigate her late 20s to become a grown up. If her mom asks, it’s going GREAT.