ASK KATE: VOL 6

By Kate Belton
@k8beee

Please note: Kate’s drunk advice does not reflect the views of those at Loose Lips Magazine. Reader Discretion is advised. Need some advice yourself? Send in your question to submissions@looselipsmag.com. 

Dear Kate,
I have a long time close friend, recently or not so recently she’s been overloading her Instagram account with over edited selfies. I really think she’s addicted and looking for the wrong attention. Tight outfits too much makeup. I really want to tell her she’s looking for the wrong attention and to class things up. I’m tired of reading the gross comments from strangers and hearing friends make fun of her.  I need advice on how to handle this!

Love,

Not feelin’ my InstaGLAM pal

Dear not feelin’ my InstaGLAM pal,

I understand why you’re not stoked on the attention this girl is attracting from her creepy followers. It perpetuates the idea that women are sex objects to be ogled over and that we have nothing to offer besides our bodies. I hate to say it, but on this, you must just let go and let God….

LOL can u imagine that was my actual answer? Like since the last #AskKate I just got super religious and used this column to preach.

First of all, I think it’s safe to assume we have all gone through a phase or two in our lives where we have been a touch extra. For me, that “phase” was pretty much 2006-2016. Any given night I for sure had borderline toxic levels of bronzer on my cheeks, and was going for an “Avril Lavigne- meets- Carmen Electra” eye, which if we’re being honest looked more like “Hamburglar” meets “Mimi-from-the-Drew-Carey-Show-if- she’d-used-gold-instead-of-blue”. That was my all the time look.

Oh my, I just remembered the baby pink lip gloss I used to load on to my lips and got shivers. That. Was. Devastating. Luckily, I made it through to the other side, and have the opposite issue now where I wear little to no makeup ever, and often am faced with the comment: “Somebody looks TIRED,” or “Oh no, is it terminal?”

I’m not ashamed of those years of my life, because at the time, I was FEELIN’ MYSELF. And I bet your friend is too, and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact that shit should be CELEBRATED, so maybe also chill your tits a bit and let her do her.

Real talk though, happiness doesn’t come from Instagram likes and comments. Did you know how many hours of post-production work went into that “might delete soon but think I look cute here” photo? Lots. You need to get this girl on a camping trip. She needs to get back in touch with nature and be reminded of what real and tangible beauty is and that up until 2002 the internet was fucking wizardry.

Before the internet came along, human connections, awkward phone calls to landlines, and real blind dates where you had literally no idea what their D looked like beforehand were the FOUNDATION of most relationships. Commitment wasn’t determined by whether he sent u a snap with a heart emoji or with an egg plant emoji, it was whether he had the balls to talk to your dad on the phone and promise he’d have you home by 10. People asked each other out face to face, and if you got ghosted, you just had to assume that person was dead because there was no way to creep them on social media, so like RIP to all those people.

Your friend, and literally this entire generation needs to recognize that we have value well beyond how fucking cute we look with a dog-ear filter on (I would be the actual cutest dog like it’s insane). But we need to remember that our beauty and our value runs SO much deeper than our Insta-stories and our heavily filtered selfies.  Filters are fake news. We don’t all look airbrushed and perfect all the time (or for most of us, ever) contrary  to the way social media would have you believe women (and men) are supposed to look.

We are flawed, we are unfiltered, we are not always together and we are not ever “perfect”. But that’s what makes us special. The sooner your friend can begin to understand that, the sooner you can start to feel better about your relationship with her, and her relationship with others…Tag her in this.

Keep it real,

KateXO

Dear Kate,
I’m about to graduate university and really struggling financially. This is so embarassing but I need to vent woman to woman. Lately, probably due to the heatwave, I’ve been getting way too many yeast infections. The issue is: I am way too broke to afford $20 Canesten every two weeks, and this expense is getting out of hand. Not to mention the stares I get at the pharmacy because I’m basically a yeast-infection regular now. I was with my mom the other day, and asked if it was possible that she purchase me another round of Canesten because: a.) I’m broke and b.) she’s my mom and her job is to literally care for me. Long story short, she refused, nagged me about my financial situation/hygiene, and we haven’t spoken since. 

Do you have any holistic remedies to try? Cheaper alternatives to the drug store stuff? The larger issue at hand is: why are feminine products SO DAMN EXPENSIVE? You may not have the answers for that, but at this point, I’ll take all of the advice and help I can get.

Love,

Broke and itchy 

Dear B & I,

WOW LETS GET RIGHT INTO IT.

TBH, I legit have never had a yeast infection. I can’t fully identify with the yeast infection part, but I AM broke and OOO GURL, have I been ITCHY before. So, rest assured, I am confident that I can answer this question for you.

K first of all, where is all your money? Like you need to get that shit under control because at some point you’re gonna have to start buying all your own creams; vaginal and otherwise. That being said is there not like a President’s Choice Canesten/ Monistat that is cheaper than the brand name stuff for yeast infections? “Monistak”? “Cramnesten”?  I dunno, a cheap off-brand alternative would be real handy right now. Also, your mom should be a lot more chill because at least it’s just a yeast infection and not an ACTUAL STI like herpes, or pregnancy or something.

Holistic recipes eh? Okay I am not super in-tune with natural remedies, but I did just get a salt-lamp and literally it is making me less depressed and turning my negative ions into positive ones or something, so maybe you should get one and like put it right up in ur vajeen when you go to sleep. I’ve also been getting into essential oils and like I’m not a pro on them yet but I would totally recommend a few drops of lavender (calming) or lime (disinfecting) straight into your birth canal 7-8 times a day.

Girl I get you, I have been paying $7+/pack of birth- control pills per month since I was 15 yrs old (I’m not good at math, but that’s like hundreds of thousands of dollars by now) and it makes ZERO sense that as women we have to foot that bill and men are just completely off the hook. That is why when I get my IUD installed, I am going to make my boyfriend pay for it in full (in cash, for tax reasons). The way I see it, and stay with me on this, it’s the same as how a farmer can agree to put up a wind turbine on their land. Yeah, that farmer has to forfeit the use of some of their land for a bit, and there’s some upfront costs at the beginning while the whole shebang gets working. But once that baby is operational, you best BELIEVE that farmer is gonna reap the benefits of it for at LEAST a few years or until that stupid fucking farmer stops answering that wind turbine’s texts.

Best of luck with your downstairs,

KateXO

 

 

Kate Belton is a stand up comedian who is currently attempting to navigate her late 20s to become a grown up. If her mom asks, it’s going GREAT.