Ask Kate

We’ve asked our friend Kate Belton to get drunk and answer your questions. Expect honesty. Expect crazy.

By Kate Belton
@k8beee

Please note: Kate’s drunk advice  does not reflect the views of those at Loose Lips Magazine. Reader Discretion is advised.

Dear Kate,

I work in a service industry environment with all women, who are constantly gossiping about each other, and clients, all day. What’s worse, my manager likes to participate. Any ideas on how to make the workplace more liveable, or how to get everyone to stop being so mean to each other?

Sincerely,
Chatty Kathy

Dear Chatty Kathy,

First things first: you need to change your name. I think you’re attracting this gossip because your name implies you like to talk.
If that doesn’t work, I suggest you fight fire with fire.
You need to create a rumour that is big and damaging and about as many of your coworkers as possible. It needs to be something serious. Think adultery+theft+accessory to murder. Once the rumour is set in motion, your coworkers will be so afraid to talk about it that the will likely stop talking all together. Boom. Silence.
Make the whole situation seem super realistic. (ie: if Ashley is the most emotionally unstable person you work with, make her the key player in the rumour). Also, you should get the police involved. Call an anonymous tip hotline and give a long, detailed description of the terrible pretend crime (make sure to use first and last names of as many coworkers as possible). This should spur an immediate investigation. Your coworkers have the right to remain silent, and silent they shall remain!
You go girl!

Dear Kate,

My boyfriend likes to the dirty dishes all day and then leave them in the sink for me to find when I come home. All guilt inducing ideas for kitchen cleaning help is welcome.

Sincerely,
I’m Not Your Mother

Dear INYM,

Your boyfriend sounds hot.
I used to have a boyfriend too. And he was great. He had his grade 10, his own car (when his mom was at work), had a job at, was allergic to cats but pretended he wasn’t when he was at my house because I have 4.
Anyway, he left me.
And you want to know why?
Because I was a nagging girlfriend.
I was constantly harshing his mellow by nagging at him to “do the dishes”, and “put the toilet seat down” and “stop taking money out of my wallet without asking”.
What I’m saying is gems like this man only come into your life once in a while. And you need to hold on to him. So stop worrying about the dishes. Try using paper plates, they’re easy to throw out. You want to get married right?

You can watch Kate Belton perform stand-up in the semi-finals of the Lux Comedy Competition on Sept. 30 at the Lux Lounge, Davie and Howe. Show at 8 p.m., doors at 7 p.m. Voting based.

Kate beltonKate Belton is a stand-up comedian who is currently attempting to navigate through her late 20s to become a grown up. If her mom asks, it’s going GREAT.