By Kate Belton
@k8beee

Please note: Kate’s drunk advice does not reflect the views of those at Loose Lips Magazine. Reader Discretion is advised. Need some advice yourself? Send in your question to submissions@looselipsmag.com. 

Dear Kate,

What do you do when you work with a couple girls, day in and day out, and they annoy you beyond belief? Mainly because they say annoying things, do annoying things, don’t clean up after themselves, sometimes have stinky breath, and all around grind your gears? Help a sister out. Oh, & I work in a hair salon if that at all helps with the context.

– Sassy With Scissors

Dear SWS,

Ugh, I completely feel u, I work with a girl who is ALL of those things too, especially the grinding your gears part- like my gears are ground AF. My problem is that she’s always cheerful and I’m like can u not? Some of us are trying to be sad about our recent weight gain and the daily injustices endured by African Bush Elephants,  so you’re gonna need to TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH with the smiling.

But this isn’t about me, this is about YOU and these annoying hair salon sauce-pots. First of all what’s the deal with their breath? Like why can you smell it? What horrific working conditions have hairstylists working SO CLOSE to each other that they can smell each other’s breath? Do u want me to call the Better Business Bureau?  Also, this is usually a rule I only use for dating, but I feel like it applies here too: it’s one thing to be literally SO annoying, but if you’re fucking BLOWING IT on the dental hygiene front to the point where your dank-ass breath is causing me grief,  you gotta GTFO… UNLESS you have a cute dog, then we’ll see.  Do these girls have a dog by chance? Dogs make everyone less annoying. Except for pitbulls, ugh ppl with pitbulls are SO annoying. I’m like WE GET IT, IT’S THE OWNER NOT THE BREED, but do u really need a vanity PTBLLMOM  license plate AND a graphic tee? Your “PEACE LOVE PITBULLS” bracelet is extra… but I digress again.

Bless u for enduring these two fools, you’re full of bravery and grace, like the African Bush Elephant.

I think you have two choices here:

1. You can talk to them and let them know how you feel and hopefully they will change (lame, tbh).

2.  You can suck it up! (Literally, you should bring vodka to work and suck it up w/ a straw because then you won’t find them annoying). The drunker you get, the more you’ll like them and you won’t mind being in such tragically close quarters at your work. You’ll LAUGH at the stupid things they say, and you won’t be able to smell their nasty breath because for some reason you can’t smell anything when you’re drunk except like pizza and some colognes. The fact that they NEVER clean up after themselves won’t bother you AT ALL! Instead, you’ll be like, “If I ordered some NACHOS to the salon would u guys have some?” There are SO many places in a hair salon that you could hide  booze. Fill a shampoo bottle, or those spray-bottles u use to wet people’s hair, only it will be your special bottle that you squirt into your mouth. Give yourself a squirt while u wait for people’s colour to soak in, or perms to cook or whatever. You’ll probably even dye your OWN hair bc your new BESTIES told u red hair’s not actually that Devo anymore and now you VALUE their opinion! After enough vodka, you won’t be repulsed by them anymore!  If you do this enough days in a row you guys might even convince yourself u love them! It’s like magic! Trust me, I’ve had entire relationships based on this method.

Cheers,

Katexo

Dear Kate,

I’m a texture person. I have weird phobias about things to do with texture and in certain social settings, it’s highly embarrassing. For example: wool sweaters mixed with leather/pleather pants. Ew, how can anyone stand the combination? Squeaky wool with smooth leather – it makes me want to scream and I can’t help but shiver and feel nauseous. Next: popsicle sticks/coffee stir sticks. The thought of these wood products touching anything that goes near my mouth makes me wretch. I have to ask the person I’m with to stir my coffee if there is no plastic option, which is highly embarrassing when it’s a new crush or coworker. Lastly, I just had this horrendous experience, where I was gifted a fruit explosion muffin. I was also on the first day of my period. I could not eat the thing that was exploding red goo all over my desk because the texture reminded me too much of my current downstairs situation. Help! How do I conquer these odd fears before everyone in my life thinks i’m NUTS?

Sincerely,

don’t-get-me-started-on-dry-elbow-skin

Dear Crusty Elbow Skin,

Alright, if the delicious strawberry filling of a fruit explosion muffin is reminding you of what’s coming out of your undercarriage at period time, I would HIGHLY recommend you seek medical advice PRONTO. That is a HEAVY FLOW.

I understand you with the squeaky wool. Have you ever taken a wool sweater out of the washing machine when it’s like cold and super wet and it like creaks in your hand and you’re like K COOL IM JUST GONNA LEAVE U IN A PILE ON THE FLOOR HOPE U DRY SOON BEST WISHES BYE HUN? It’s a nightmare. Also who is still pairing a wool sweater with leather pants?  That feels very mid ’00s. Not to mention leather pants should be worn by cows and only cows. We have so many other things we could make pants out of, let’s give the cattle a break here.

Back to texture, I cannot deal with my own texture issues when I’ve been in the shower or a hot tub for so long that my fingers wrinkle. UGH EW, like I can’t even think about it. If someone touches me with their wrinkly-ass bath fingers I literallllllly cut ties with them. I would  even if they were my own child…especially if they were my own child tbh-imagine TINY wrinkly fingers? They would be OVER THE TOP CREEPY.

But seriously, your issues with texture go above and beyond what would be considered as like cute and quirky, in my medical opinion. If you’re a grownass lady getting strangers to stir your coffee so you don’t have to touch the stick, I’d say you prob have some underlying issues that you have perhaps pushed to the darkest corners of your memory that involve popsicles or Pogo sticks. Also, like black coffee isn’t that bad, a lot of the time it’s better bc you can actually taste the coffee, and it stays hot longer. So maybe just drink black coffee so you don’t have to feel like a freak alllll the time. This does not get u off the hook u are still a freak.

I think the answer to your question is two-fold:

• You need to go to  a therapist, maybe a hypnotherapist to uncover what it was that happened between you and popsicles or Pogo Sticks in your childhood that has lead you to resent them in such a way. It would feel really good to finally get some answers and lay this to rest, and enjoy a popsicle on a hot summer’s day like a regular person and not all cut up into a bowl or however you’re currently taking your popsicles
• If therapy doesn’t help, I think you should just embrace this super weird thing that helps make you who you are. You’re just a gal, living in the city (I think?) gettin’ strangers to stir her coffee, and walkin’ around with an out-of this-world-heavy, I mean MEGA heavy and gooey flow. Also, if you stop shopping at thrift stores and like women’s wear stores with old lady names like “Suzanne’s”  you’ll probably see a lot less of the leather leggings and wool sweater combos you seem to still be finding, so you could do that too.

Do those things, and I think you’ll be WELL on your way to living life like a normal person would, but tbh still kind of weird forever.

Best of luck!

Katexo

Dear Kate,

Lately, I’ve been having a real time trying to cut back on my spending. I just got married so this whole year has been a “fuck it, let’s just spend every dime we have, haha, it’s fine,” and now that the wedding is over I can’t seem to STOP. Every opportunity to treat myself, I go full-force. How should I prioritize my spending? What constitutes as a treat? When do I stop? Help!

Love,

NewlyBROKE

Dear NewlyBROKE,

AlwaysBROKE here, at your service

I have been broke since the day I learned that if you eat all 12 of the fundraising chocolate bars you were supposed to sell for figure skating, you still OWE them $24. You need to get them the $$ so they don’t Tonya Harding your kneecaps. BUT when you’re nine, the only things in your purse are Lip Smackers and a dead Tamagotchi so your parents write a cheque to cover for you (while expressing extreme disappointment in your lack of self-control).

Now, you’re in debt and you’d better BUCKLE UP because you’re not always gonna be able to just clean the bathroom for a week to wipe away your debts –  NO, one day real BANKS are going to loan you literal THOUSANDS of dollars and be like “It’s fine, u can just pay us back when you’re done university, bc you’ll prob get a sick job with your BA degree and you’ll get us back in no time!” And then you’ll be 30, working at a bar and spending 75 percent of your paycheque on rent, 15 percent on student debt (mostly interest) and 10 percent on contouring palettes, all while suffering from crippling anxiety and inadequacy issues.

Congrats on your wedding though, that’s so great! Good for you! It’s possible I was projecting a bit back there. OK so, this is a v good question and far too relatable now that we are all old enough to just have credit cards with limits of more than $500 like they give you when you’re first starting out. I know a guy who has a card that can tap over $10,000. TAP, as in NO SIGNATURE OR PIN REQUIRED R U KIDDING ME?? It would take me under and hour to get drunk and buy a horse on Amazon if I had that card.

It’s very easy to just spend all the money you have/”credit & forget it” on whatever you want and treat yoDAMNself whenever you feel like it because, let’s face it, the world is going to shit. Every day there’s something fucked up happening. Global warming is being swept under the rug by money hungry corporations and crooked politicians, the ice caps are melting, poachers are killing rhinos just for their horns, shark fin soup is a thing, there’s an act of mass violence pretty much once a day and everyone on Riverdale is fucking nuts. Why wouldn’t you comfort yourself with the finer things in life and just “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em?” Who KNOWS when the world is just going to ACTUALLY IMPLODE from all of the insanity the human race has created? I feel that way some days … those are the days where I buy $40 1oz bottles of skincare serums from online apothecaries with my credit card. It’s very easy (especially when planning a wedding I bet) to just be like #YOLO and get whatever you want. #YOGMO (you only get married once), if you will.

But you can’t just live your life with a #YOGMO attitude. Because what happens if the world doesn’t go to shit? I know it seems unlikely right now, especially with the US being ruled by a human vag-fart from Hell. BUT you gotta hold out faith that we’re gonna turn this ship around. And big changes start with millions of tiny changes. Things we can all do in our everyday lives, though they seem so miniscule can add up to significant change. We can stop being fucking obsessed with ivory and shark fins, like everyone just chill, neither of those things are good, Gordon Ramsay himself said that Shark Fin Soup tastes like ass.

Often “treating yourself” can be done on the cheap, and it’s way more meaningful. One time this summer, on ½ price Mondays at Domino’s, my boyfriend picked up a pizza, and I met him at the pier, and we sat on the beach under a blanket and ate pizza while we watched the full moon rise over the lake. It was so beautiful and peaceful, and it cost us next to nothing. But it’s something we’ll remember for a long time. Don’t forget to take a step back and remember that spending money never compares to just spending time, and that Domino’s cheesy sticks are bomb.

We can all afford tos pend more time off-line, away from social media and out in the real world. Social media is a tool to cultivate fear, insecurity and hatred in all of us; it makes us mean and anonymous and critical. If we could all just take a step or two back, we could benefit from remembering what our faces look like without filters or contour or highlight or “going in with the brow pencil.” We could take a moment to remember what it was like to have to wait to talk to someone.

We are all here for a finite amount of time. And we SHOULD #treatourDAMNselves. We should treat ourselves to fresh air, to exercise and free-flowing thoughts. We should treat ourselves to quiet, and to meditation and to good food that we’ve grown ourselves. We should treat ourselves to challenges, like talking to a neighbour, or being a voice for those who lack it. Monetary wealth never has, and never will equal happiness. Next time you go to spend money on something for yourself, think about whether there is something else you could do for yourself, to achieve the same feeling of satisfaction. Could you do a hair mask with egg whites instead of getting a $40 blowout? It would probably be hilarious and your hair would be so soft. Could you invest in a tomato plant, and a basil plant, and learn to take care of them and nourish them to the point where you can make yourself a bomb-ass tomato basil balsamic reduction salad and take FULL production credit for it? Invest in experiences, and treat yourself with love. I am rambling now and am going to go treat myself to some much needed sleep.

Best of luck in wedded bliss,

Katexo

Kate Belton is a stand up comedian who is currently attempting to navigate her late 20s to become a grown up. If her mom asks, it’s going GREAT.