Ask Kate: Vol 4

By Kate Belton
@k8beee

Please note: Kate’s drunk advice does not reflect the views of those at Loose Lips Magazine. Reader Discretion is advised.

Dear Kate,
Two years ago, I started a business with my friend that is partly our passion project, and partly our career goals. The problem is, we haven’t made any money yet. People seem to think we are really successful and we are except for the financial aspect. On the plus side, we are both still so poor we barely pay taxes. Is everyone really faking it until they make it, or are we the only ones that haven’t figured this out? 

Love, Broke and Hopeful

Dear Broke and Hopeful,

OK, not trying to be rude, but please chill your tits. You’re grinding it out every day, and you’re going to look back and be like “omg, we are fucking killing it right now.” But it takes longer than two little tiny years. It’s obvious you have drive and that’s all you need girl. Take it from someone who for 26 years had literally no drive. If I was a car you would get in and be like “LOL k this car is broken, there’s only Neutral and Reverse”.

You know what I was doing two years ago? Neither do I, because I live my life in dog years and two years feels like 14 years to me due to too many black-out nights in my early 20s. But I do know it involved having rachet-outta-the-bottle blonde hair, being in the “overweight getting super close to obese” category on the BMI scale, while for sure not starting any god damn businesses. The closest thing I had to a “passion project” was when I would squeeze into a pair of Guess Jeans I bought (without trying on) to do several squat-like movements. I was attempting to stretch out the waist and thunder thigh area so I could do them up without looking like an actual Italian sausage wearing a belt. Spoiler Alert: never successfully did it, ended up donating them. Yes, I could’ve returned them, but, that would require drive. I was definitely not paying my taxes though, so like samesies on that.

Anyway, that’s what I was up to. You were all “Ya gurl, imma start a business with ma BFF, wear bangin’ outfits that I fit into because I have drive and self control (I’m picturing that you’re like so cute and put together but when you get compliments on your look you’re like “blah, I threw this together, my eyeliner is weird, YOU look SO fab though.” But, it’s because you’re genuinely modest, not a desperado compliment digger).

What I’m trying to say is, give it some more time, don’t give up. In the words of Rihanna “hamemahrm WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK.”

I am sure you have come so far in two years. Don’t discount that! Even I have made progress: I’m back to my natural hair colour, dropped some pounds simply by replacing litres of beer and French fry grease with sparkling water and the odd salad. I got tap put on my debit card. Serious grown up stuff. I look back and am like “DAMN QUEEN IT’S BEEN A LONG HARD 14 YRS BUT WE DOIN’ IT!”

Don’t get discouraged. Pour some instant coffee into a Starbucks cup, throw on your secretly-from- Walmart blanket scarf, and get out there keep fighting the good fight you sweet angel! Also, tbh being broke and pursuing your passion is a v fierce look for 2017.

Dear Kate,
I’ve been having this issue with my mom regarding my weight. Recently, I lost a few pounds and was feeling really proud of my new bod. My mom feels the need to continuously remind me that I need to keep the weight off “or it will come back faster than it came off.” Her comments are frequent and come across as if she generally thinks that I know nothing about the perils of weight gain and weight loss. Like, duh, I know that if I eat like a garbage human I’ll up my stretch mark game. I’VE LIVED THIS LIFE. How do I get her to stop with these unsolicited pieces of advice? 

Love, A Moment On the Lips, Forever On The Hips. 

Dear AMontheL4EVA ontheH,

OMG this question could NOT have come at a better time as I literally JUST watched Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body. If you don’t know what that is, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? JK it’s super new, and only got 4/10 on IMDB but whatever, Khloe gets me. It’s a reality show where people who are mild-to-v-fat come to Khloe and she literally whips them into shape over 12 weeks. At the end they get fire makeovers and look so hot and she throws them this party and they invite their H8rs who made them feel bad for being so huge, and then they make THE HATERS feel bad on TV, (in FRONT OF A KARDASHIAN) for being so insensitive. GO DVR THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW, I’LL TIME YOU.

Okay, welcome back. Also, congrats on shedding some poundage and feeling slammin’ girl! You need to remember that you did this for you, and that moms are the actual worst. JK moms are great, but they are also v good at making us feel like trash piles when they’re actually just trying to look out for us. One time I was drinking too frequently, and after a brunch where yeah, I had a couple double caesars (they were ON SPECIAL) my mom said: “You smell like my mother in the 60s.” What she meant was “Hey Kate, maybe don’t turn up on a Sunday before noon when you’re with your parents,” but it came off rather insulting (Grandma was lit in the 60’s).

What I’m trying to say is, you’re probably not going to get on Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body because it seems like they only pick people who live in LA. I guess it’s easier than flying people from all over and putting them up in LA for 12 weeks. And then I guess they’d have to fly in the haters too which would be costly. And Khloe’s def the poorest Kardashian. Well, Rob, but who even remembers him? So you should cut your mom some slack. She’s just trying to make sure you don’t get super fat because she obviously doesn’t follow #effyourbeautystandards on Insta. She probably just wants to make sure you stay as happy with yourself as you are now, because she’s your mom, and you’ll always be her little girl. Aw. I am literally so cute.

Dear Kate,
I’m a near 30-year-old nailbiter. I can’t remember when I started — chalk it up to a handful of childhood anxieties, blah blah blah — but I almost constantly and unconsciously have my hands in my mouth. I’ve mastered wrapping my hands all the way around my wineglass with my nails facing me so when I’ out people won’t see my disgusting habit. I’ve tried to stop; I sometimes get acrylic nails to stop to chew — it’s an even more satisfying challenge. Hypnotism seems like a good option… but what if the hypnotist makes me take all my clothes and go streaking or something equally humiliating? I need some help kicking this habit.

Love, Adult Woman With Childhood Habits

 

Dear Adult Woman With Childhood Habits,

Okay, you’re going to need to stop this at once. NOT because it’s gross which it is because germs are literally everywhere and you’re going to get so sick; and NOT because it’s bad to have short nails, because to be honest with you, long nails are ridiculous. Like actually how do those women who get those claw nails get anything done? Dig a quarter out of the cupholder? Nope. Put a key on a key ring? Not a chance. Do up your pants before you get out of the car because when you got in the car you were full and alone but now you’re somewhere where your pants shouldn’t be undone? YEAH RIGHT IN YOUR DREAMS, NOT WITH THOSE TALONS GUESS YOU’RE GOIN INTO SAVE ON WITH YOUR GITCH OUT. But I digress…

Wait what do your teeth look like? I’m picturing like really tiny sharp teeth that have been worn down from 30 years of doing the work of nail-clippers. Like so much gum and then a tiny sliver of tooth. Are they so small?

UgH,  I wish these things were like instant chats and you could DM me a pic of your tiny little teeth. Like little cat teeth. OMG cats have the smallest teeth.

I know that seemed harsh but ACTUALLY no offence. I myself have been known to be told to “get yer filthy hands outta yer mouth”  by my dad even at the ripe age of 28. And my teeth are like a solid medium size at best. Probably would be way bigger if I hadn’t spent so many years gnawing away at the ol’ hand nails n foot nails ya dig? Jk I DID NOT chew my toenails. Not for lack of trying, I’m just v inflexible.

But again I digress… You need to stop this at once because for the first time in #AskKate history, I actually GOOGLED AN ANSWER TO HELP ME WITH MY ANSWER BECAUSE I CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT YOUR GROSS HANDS AND FREAKY LITTLE TEETH. In the article, which I won’t cite because I forget how to do that, it said that people bite their nails as a result of stress which brings out residual primate instincts. PRIMATE INSTINCTS. You know what else primates do? They shit in their hands and throw it at whatever they don’t like. You need to calm the EFF down, face those childhood anxieties, do some yoga and get some zen in your life. If you’re stress free, your primate instincts should disappear. Do that NOW, because all it’ll take is one weird letter from Revenue Canada, or a bounced rent cheque that could send you into a stress spiral of chewing your nails and whipping your shit. And girl I do not want that journey for you.

Needing some sage advice? Email us with the subject: “Ask Kate,” with your pressing questions.

 

 

Kate Belton is a stand up comedian who is currently attempting to navigate her late 20s to become a grown up. If her mom asks, it’s going GREAT.